evangelicals Wow accountant uses cliché to pat massive evangelical spreadsheet on back
On an ExCeL spreadsheet entitled “The very large number Confusion” we see the outline of a mass self. Through the throngs of numbers, moving too and fro, from one cell to another, adding and subtracting each other from one and other it all culminates in a huge grand book keeping pat on the back. 
The accountant –who gives an account of the coming together of numbers on the spread sheet in Evangelicals Wow April edition (not yet online)—confusingly called the sheet an evangelistic event, which according to the auditors it wasn’t. They did concede though, that some numbers present might have been ‘turned around.’
One of the main numbers, Al Stuart-pi-son, gave the accountant the most calculating problem causing a mathematical improbability, when Stuart-pi-son left him: “wondering how anyone else could honestly reach a different conclusion about the mathematical formula?” He also called the movement of the prime number Timothy in-German Cellar, ‘powerful’ and said that the spreadsheet was ‘brilliantly packed,’ (referring to main numbers). Nathan Tasker-pi performed a number of ‘thoughtful’ solos.
Band Aid
Paul St.Valley, erstwhile columnist for No Way magazine, and associate editor (and resident saint) at the Dependant newspaper has been accused of writing almost 95% of his own Wikipedia page at Bob Gill-Doffs’ house. The accusations come in a report written by BBC Africa correspondent Martin Plautipus whose research into Paul St.Valley revealed the shocking statistics of self promotion.
Plautipus bases his evidence on two or three friend of St.Valley who where at Gill-Doffs’ house on the same day as the Wikipedia article was edited. According to the websites log of IP addresses the editing happened in Ethiopia and can be linked to the house of the famous business man and TV production company owner. (No really Geldof is co-founder of Ten Alps, with a rumoured turnover of $80M)
Marilyn Manson, one of the witnesses, said: “I saw Paul taping away on Wikipedia. When he got up to go the the bathroom I snook over to see what he had been typing. His page was open and of course I recognized the little embezellishing that he got up to. But you know, its ok. I mean its only Wikipedia, people expect some of the content to be embezellished.” adding, “the point is that people who read the articles on Wikipedia really need the information, what does it matter if you perpetuate a little sexing-up to help your own progress?”
The other witness, who has been estranged from Gill-Doffs called on St.Valley to clean up his act and at least add citations to the segments of the article that are in citation. “He has got to come clean on some of these citations. I mean, it looks like he had a chat to Gill-Doffs and just decided to put whatever nonsense Gill-Doffs chose to feed him for his own promotional purposes” said Alienated Refuje, adding “unless its on the back of a book or something, its just not true.”
Meanwhile the independent consultation body United Namedroppers (UN) said that in their work in monitoring Wikipedia edits they know that at least 50% of many articles about people are written by the person concerned, if they are alive that is.
The BBCs reputation has been called into question as a libel case has been brought against Plautipus. the Tart awaits the outcome with bated breath.
st. Paul commands men to put their hand’s up while praying
According to Refrain, a network of individuals and churches trying to refrain from leaving the Church of England, there is a controversy brewing. Apparently St. Paul appeared to a vicar representative of the less charismatic wing of the network in a dream commanding all men of bible believing churches around the world to put their hands up when they pray. 
The vicar is a well respected and trusted church leader. Reports say he heard a voice speaking to him saying: “Take damn seriously the command in 1 Timothy 2 verse 8 and get those bloody hands in the air when you pray and stop mucking about and talking about women’s ordination, but get on and take care of the poor, fatherless and the widowed. Oh! And if you really want to refrain, start loving your bloody neighbour!”
Rev. Tom O’Fool said of the incident: “It was quite a shock to the system to hear St Paul talk to me in the voice of John Cleese” adding “even though it was in the early hours of the morning I feel that I had a real encounter with the great Apostle. The command is seared into my mind. It’s as if the words have become a part of me.”
Senior figures in the Anglican Church, trained in theology, indicated that the passage in question is taken from the letter Paul is said to have sent Timothy, a trainee pastor in the early church. The verse says: “I want men everywhere to lift up holy hands in prayer, without anger or disputing.”
Some members of Refrain remain sceptical. Rev. Carrie Sandman, intellectual and prime theologian at Refrain on issues pertaining to gender said she did not believe that men needed to lift their hands up when praying because what was mentioned in Timothy was a cultural expression of worship of the early church and that this practice was peculiar to that time, though she concede that her opinion was of little consequence in the grander scheme of things as she is a woman. “I am not sure what O’Fool heard, but it seems clear that Paul could not have sounded like John Cleese” said Sandman, adding: “obviously women need to ensure that they don’t ask a question that might embarrass anybody in church. So I am anxious not to give the wrong impression.”
Ekklesia, known as the shot-myself-in-the-foot-tank has called for room to be made in the House of Lords for people to Quake. According to Jonathan Bartle-beetle-be a “public vote” found that the third most popular suggestion for political reform was for all members of the House of Lords to become Quakers. Bartle-Beetle-be expressed his delight at the suggestion and articulated his support for the change which he believes would increase the public good.
“It’s high time that the House of Lords receives reformation. For far too long there has been a lack of room to Quake in the Lords, and as research has proven time and time again, the Society of Friends, the Quakers know best how to bring about the public good, by doing precisely that: quivering. And they make great pancakes” said Bartle-Beetle-be, who quivers himself from time to time.
The British Humanist Association whose “bottoms up campaign,” has seen many people walk around in drunken stupor, is being blamed for attempting to smear the religious group. One senior figure in the Quakers, with close links to Ekklesia, said: “they called us Quakers because we bid them tremble at the word of God. Well, now they will reap their reward. Peace will come at last. The inner light has shown us the way.”
evangelicals Wow Passes on Passion
It emerged this week that the widely read and influential monthly paper, trusted by conservative and reformed evangelicals around the UK, has decided to live up to the stereotype of its readerships and called for an end to passion. Confusion ensued after some readers thought the article referred to the real historical crucifixion of Christ.
The paper responded immediately to the claims that they are proposing heresy, by putting out a statement denying that the word ‘passion’ refers to anything Christ was involved with, including his death on the cross (as it does in the Roman Catholic tradition). They confirmed the article referred to the “dangerous behaviour humans engage with when they allow their emotions to control their actions, which can lead to slips in the faith and ultimately heresy.”
Despite what might be misconstrued as a passionate sounding name, Evangelicals Wow wants its readers to ‘pass’ on passion. In an article promoting evangelistic tent meetings this Lenten season all across the country, subtle signs of the need for passionlessness were hinted at. According to the article, church leaders such as Al Stuartson and Tico Rice are worried that the events might become bacchanalian in nature, reminiscent of the large stadium missions conducted by Billy Graham.
Graham, who is said to have said: “God did not invent denominations, man did,” has been accused of the heresy of universalism. Many believe that statements such as these are due to his over reliance on love and lack of clear thinking.
“We believe that Billy Graham was a man for his time, though we disagree with his methodology and conclusion. Culture has moved on. What is called for now is apologetics to take centre stage. We need Christians to be able to argue atheists into the ground and we can only do that if we discard our emotions and embrace the cold steel of reason.” said Rice, who also confirmed that the proper use of reason will guard Christians against lapsing into heresy.
One lay person responded to the article by saying: “We understand that reason and arguments are important, but sometimes it is so hard to control the elation and joy at being involved in a tent meeting. One or two of us have even invited non-Christians friends!”
the Uncluttering of Ship of Fools by Endthis webdesign
The revelation of the uncluttering of world renown and faithfilled website ship of fools has come as welcome news to fellow sailors. Previously the website had been full of advertising and without proper spacing between stories, graphics and YouTube videos. Now, after a revamp by church-webdesign group ChurchOutside, owned by EndThis design, Fools has become more user friendly.
“I can finally tell the difference between the sections on the Ships front page” said avid fan Tom O’Fool.
The redesign follows an awakening to post-modern thinking which says that style is more important than substance and that post modern readers are put off by cheap advertising. “Finally advertisements are no longer flashing at the top of the screen, right beside our great logo, though we are a bit disappointed that we had to lose the disorganized image of the website. As avid readers will know ‘We’re here for people who prefer their religion disorganized‘” said Simon Jean-tight-skins, editor and designer of Fools.
Stephen Godhard, co-editor at Ship of Fools, said: “This is good news for me. It makes my life much easier because I can now show clients at my PR company The GodH Slot, what good stuff fools like us can come up with” adding: “As committed Christians ourselves, we can’t help laughing at some of the crazy designs christian websites often have. We’re drawn to those designs which take us beyond easy belief. In the end, we want to make sense of good web design in today’s complex world.”
ChurchOutside believe that the internet is a place where digiMissionarism takes place. “Its the new Africa.” says cofounder and analyst Sales Man. “As such we need to be involved, what ever the cost.”
e-Relevant magazine publishes ye Olde resource
The e-Relevant magazine has come out with a new resource to support pastors by helping them engage with old people. It’s called ye Olde resource. One founder of Olde, Jonathan Wilson-Stagrove, says that just as new wine should be poured into new wine skins so old wine skins requires old wine. Thus the church today should not try to get new wine into old wine skins or they will burst.
“Many super-hip churches just don’t make room for the older generation any more.” says Wilson-Stagrove adding: “We are trying to resource pastors who feel they are called to the ministry in ‘finally-emerged churches’ because church today has become so liquid its all about the pastor twittering the sermon to his congruents who are sipping Chai Lattes over in the chill out lounge reading the tweets on their iPhones, retweeting it to their friends whilst chatting on Facebook.”
The Ye Olde resource pack comes chock full of necessary reading to get pastors started. Books such as Gayne Wrudems Systematic Theology, or Pilgrims Progress, and the King James Version of the Bible, with helpful translation notes. Margaret Megweed (87) said: ” I am so happy e-Relevant put this pack together. Now our pastor, who has not really known how to talk to older people, will be able to accommodate us as well. The hymns are just magnificent.”
